The Worth of a Man
by Metisse
Summary: postEndgame fic. BA ship. What might have happened after the last scene.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, Dick Wolf owns everything - just borrowing them to develop fiction writing skills. ;-)

_A/N: Having a long summer of re-runs and no new epis, my imagination has gone into overdrive. This is a post-Endgame piece. This follows my other story The Visit, which deals with Alex visiting Bobby's mother at Carmel Ridge. You don't have to read it to understand this one. _

**The Worth of a Man**

He just sat silently, unaware of how much time had passed since the nurse had told him visiting hours were over. His thoughts were jumbled and he couldn't make them stop. The voices of his mother and Brady pounded in his head. _"I know you've got it in you..." Brady had taunted him. "I didn't tell you because I didn't know for sure..." his mother cried. _They just wouldn't stop. Over and over again words that had been exchanged kept playing out in his head. _"Why do you always do this to me?" his mother yelled. "Are you close to your family?" Brady asked as he watched Bobby's reaction carefully._

Suddenly his cell phone rang, jarring him out of his own dark thoughts. He looked at the caller ID. Eames cell, it read. On one hand, he didn't want to answer it. On the other, he had an overwhelming need to hear her voice. Her voice was the only one that seemed to drive all those others away.

"Hi..." he said, finally answering her call.

"Bobby, I'm sorry if I'm bothering you..." Alex began.

"You never bother me," Bobby replied softly.

"I...just wanted to let you know I'm home," she said. "And I wanted to hear your voice..." He could hear her concern right through the phone. She had offered her basement as a storage space for the few things his mother had owned until he knew what he wanted to do with them. There were only four boxes with a few paintings and things he had no room for in his tiny apartment. He had told her he would bring them by this evening.

"I'm still at Carmel Ridge..." he said.

"Do you need any help there?"

"No, it's...I...I needed some time. There's not much...just a few boxes...I can handle it. I was about to leave."

"Of course, I didn't want to...I mean...I just want you to know I'm here...if you need me."

Bobby felt tears starting to well up in his eyes, "I know...I'm on my way." His voice cracked with emotion as he suddenly found himself desperately wanting to be in her presence.

"Are you all right to drive, Bobby?" she asked.

Swallowing hard and fighting back the on slaught of emotions that were doing battle inside of him, Bobby managed to get control of his voice, "I'll be all right. I...I just have to get out of here."

There was silence at the other end of the line for a few moments. He could picture her worriedly chewing on her bottom lip. "Okay, take your time and call me if you need anything," she finally said, sounding very worried.

"Yea, I...I'll be there soon."

He snapped his cell phone shut, placed it back in his pocket and stood up, rubbed his hands over his face, turned on the light and proceeded to stack the boxes and grabbed the hand truck someone had brought in for him earlier. Even the paintings could sit on the top and hopefully he could do this in one trip. Looking around the room once more for anything he might have missed, Bobby felt tears threatening to return. He had to get out of here and back to Alex.

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Alex kept staring at the cell phone after he had hung up. _He sounded so...lost? Tired? Of course he would, his mother just died. How do you think you're going to feel when one of your parents dies? _She shook her head and put the phone down on the kitchen counter. That was something she didn't need to think about now. Besides, she had other family members to support her, Bobby had no family. There was just his brother Frank who was more or less useless. He was no help at all and probably just added to Bobby's stress.

She hadn't seen Bobby since he had left 1PP to go see Brady alone. As he was on his way back he got a call from Carmel Ridge saying his mother had taken the expected turn for the worse. Bobby called her and informed her of what was happening. He said nothing of his visit with Brady except to say Brady didn't reveal any more information that would help them find any more victims. Alex almost asked him what Brady might have told him about his mother but hearing the pain in his voice when he spoke with her, she just didn't want to make him have to deal with that now.

Looking over at the kitchen table where she had dropped that yellow note pad with Brady's scribblings, Alex wondered what Bobby was going to do with that piece of information. She had skimmed through it, looking for any references to Frances Goren. There was none. Alex found herself hating Brady even more than she thought possible. Not only was the man a cold blooded rapist and murderer, he was playing mind games with Bobby. The man was a monster.

Glancing at the clock on the wall, Alex noted that Brady would be dead in approximately three hours. _Good. The world is better off without him. Bobby is better off without him._

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The knock on her door, jarred her awake. Alex sat up abruptly and realized she had fallen asleep while waiting for Bobby to arrive. She quickly got up and ran to the door, looked through the peephole and saw an exhaused Bobby Goren standing outside with a large box in hand. Turning the deadbolt and opening the door, it took all her self restraint to not grab him by the arms and pull him to her.

"I made it," he said, attempting a smile that didn't quite make it to his eyes.

Alex pulled the door open further to let him in, "Just leave it here and I'll help you get the rest. We'll take everything down to the basement later."

Bobby nodded and wordlessly, they brought in the three other boxes and paintings out of his car and into the house by the door to the basement.

"Why don't we take care of those in the morning," Alex suggested. "You look like you need to lie down and get some sleep."

_Sleep...sleep would bring dreams...they would be talking to him again...telling him horrible things about himself..._ Bobby stared blankly at Alex. There was so much he needed to tell her and so much he was afraid to tell her.

"Bobby?" Alex asked, feeling concerned that he wasn't responding at all to her.

Bobby blinked, trying to clear his head. Looking at Alex he realized he should say something. He opened his mouth to reply but nothing happened. _"I was on leave...that's Uncle Mark...you really don't remember?...I was never sure...why do you always have to do this to me...you have it in you.."_ the voices were getting louder in his head. Now he could even hear Frank. _Am I going crazy? Is this what it feels like?_

Alex gently touched his arm, "Bobby, come on, let's get you in bed. I think you need to get some rest."

"NO!" he found himself saying a little too loudly and forcefully. He saw Alex flinch and immediately hated himself. He reached for her and pulled her to him. "I'm sorry...I just...there's just so much that...my mind can't stop...I'm sorry."

Wrapping her arms around him, Alex felt her heart breaking for him. She felt absolutely helpless and frustrated. "It's okay, I just don't know how to help you." she said after they had been standing there holding each other for a few minutes.

"You are helping," he replied so softly she almost didn't hear him as he held her tightly to him. "It's just...my mom, she...she confirmed everything before she died. Brady...he and my mom..." Bobby's voice trailed off as his eyes filled with tears. _How do I tell her what kind of potential monster I am? Will she still trust me? Do I still trust myself?_

As his voice fell silent, Alex could feel him getting tense. She looked up at him and saw the tears now streaming down his face. Without a word she reached behind her, grabbed his hands and pulled him into the living room. Bobby followed her with no resistance. She sat on the sofa pulling him with her. He sat obediently and let her guide his head gently against her shoulder as they both wrapped their arms around each other.

"I'm so...sorry...I..." Bobby began, wanting so much to tell her everything. Everything about what he learned from Brady and his mother and everything he was feeling. He especially wished he could tell her how much he loved her and how little he felt he deserved her love and loyalty.

_I called her Bambi...I was on leave...the one woman I could have loved..._ Brady's voice wouldn't shut up. _You have it in you..._ He could picture Brady's hands as he told them about choking a woman, which then morphed into his own hands around Brady's throat.

"Hush, it's okay, you don't have to apologize for anything," Alex assured him. "Just let yourself grieve, Bobby," she whispered into his ear.

He held her more tightly to him, as she gently stroked his hair. Her touch soothed him as his tortured mind finally started to quiet. The stress of the last few days started to flow out of him along with his tears.

Alex could feel him starting to relax after a few moments. His tears showed no signs of slowing, however. She knew it would be hard on him when his mother finally passed away but she couldn't help but feel there was more to his grief than that. Certainly learning his mother had a history with a serial rapist murderer wasn't helping things. Just thinking of Brady made her skin crawl.

They sat holding each other for a while until Alex realized Bobby had managed to fall asleep, leaning against her shoulder and the back of her sofa. _Great, so now what do I do? If I try to get up, I'll wake him for sure. _ She sighed and resigned herself to an uncomfortable night. Her shoulder was soaked from Bobby's tears and Bobby's weight was pressing her left arm against the back of the sofa making it go numb. Still, there was no way she was going to do anything that might wake him up. Leaning her own head back against the sofa, Alex closed her eyes, letting her own exhaustion help her fall asleep as well.

_TBC...hopefully sooner than later. _


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Dick Wolf owns everything. **_

_A/N: This is a little darker than I expected but there you go._

The Worth of A Man - **Chapter 2**

_It was dark and quiet. Bobby liked dark and quiet. Dark meant no one could see him. Quiet meant his parents weren't fighting or yelling at him or his older brother Frank. They always fought but lately it seemed constant. Just as Bobby was about to fall asleep, he heard a door slam open. His father had probably just arrived at home. He could hear his father's voice yelling loudly for his mother. Rolling over onto his stomach, he pulled his pillow over his head to try and drown out the voices. _

_His mother didn't have a good day. She had locked herself in her room, leaving Bobby and Frank to fend for themselves. His dad was going to be angry. "Where the hell is everybody?" his father yelled. He sounded drunk again. Bobby heard pounding. "Open the door you stupid bitch!" Mom hadn't unlocked the door yet...this was going to be so bad. All that pounding was only going to scare her more. She would never open the door now. _

_Suddenly, the door to the bedroom he shared with his brother Frank flew open. Bobby sat up in sheer panic. His brother Frank had been sleeping but was now wide awake. Both boys were staring at the large figure looming in the doorway. "What's going on here?" he yelled._

_"Dad..." Frank began._

_"Shut-up! I was talking to your useless brother, here," his father said as he moved into the room, pointing at Bobby._

_Bobby felt the fear in his stomach knotting up, the nausea making his mouth water. _

_"You're the one with all the explanations, right, smart boy?" his father spat out with a venomous tone. "What's wrong with your poor sick mother now? Huh?You gonna tell me it's not her fault?" _

_A large, meaty hand grabbed Bobby by the arm. "She's locked me out of the room AGAIN! What's the excuse now you little bastard?"_

_"Dad, it's not his fault..." Frank said as he started to get out of his bed._

_Bobby felt himself being dragged off his bed as his father turned to face Frank, still gripping Bobby by the arm. "So are you saying it's yours, boy?" _

_Frank swallowed hard and shook his head, "No, Dad, it's nobody's fault..." Bobby could hear the fear in his voice. _

_Releasing Bobby's arm, his father backhanded Frank across the face, the force strong enough to knock Frank down. "That's just your way of saying it's mine, isn't it?" He said to Frank's inert form lying on the floor._

_Bobby started to panic even more as Frank just lay there, not responding. His head had hit the floor pretty hard and Bobby knew he had to be out cold. He hoped Frank was just unconscious and not dead. Before he could say or do anything, his father grabbed him by the arm and threw him out into the hall. _

_"Open the door, Frances, or I'm going to beat the crap out of your little bastard!" his father screamed. _

_"NO!" Bobby screamed, his anger starting to overcome his fear. _

_His father turned to him, his face red with anger. Bobby could smell the alcohol on him as his father glared at him. "No? No what? You think you can stop me?" With his father's face inches from his, ten year old Bobby Goren stared back in defiance, feeling sick and tired of being afraid for himself, for Frank, for his mother. _

_Suddenly, Bobby felt his father's hands around his throat. Bobby was about to try and punch him when his face started morphing into Mark Ford Brady's cold stare. Brady's hands tightened around his throat as he tried to scream. Brady was smiling, "You really are a bastard, you know - literally," Brady laughed as his hands continued to close around Bobby's neck and all Bobby could do was stare helplessly._

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"NO!" Bobby cried out loudly, waking Alex from her sound sleep. His body was tense and his breathing was erratic.

"Bobby, Bobby, wake up, you're having a nightmare," Alex urged as she gently shook his arm. They were still on her sofa and his head had moved from her shoulder to her lap.

"NO! YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!" Bobby screamed as his arms went up in front of him in a defensive move.

Alex grabbed his arms, "Bobby, wake up, it's a dream, it's only a dream..."

Bobby's body jerked as he awoke suddenly, his dark eyes staring out in sheer panic as he took in his surroundings. He felt soft hands gently caressing his face and a soothing voice telling him it was all right. _Alex! I'm at Alex's house. I'm safe. _His eyes focused on her face. There was concern in her eyes as she watched him carefully.

He smiled wearily at her, "You're always saving me." he said as he reached up to brush the ever present strand of hair from her face.

She smiled back with relief, "That's a bit melodramitic. I just woke you up."

"You saved me from that nightmare," he said as he sat up, rubbing the back of his neck. He glanced at the clock on the wall which told him it was now 5 a.m. "This must be the longest I've slept in a while."

"It's still early, you can sleep a little longer," Alex suggested as she put her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulder.

Bobby shook his head, "No, I don't...I don't want to go back ..." his voice trailed off as he saw Brady's face again, laughing at him.

"I'll make some coffee then," Alex offered.

"No, you...you should go back to sleep..."

"I doubt I'd have any more success in going back to sleep than you do," she said as she stood up to head to the kitchen.

Bobby grabbed her hand to stop her for a moment, "Thank you...for everything. I know it's...I've been asking a lot of you lately and you...I don't know what I'd have done without you."

Alex smiled, "I'm only doing for you what I know you'd do for me."

Bobby stood up and followed her into the kitchen. His eyes fell upon the yellow note pad Brady had scribbled his confession upon. "What's this?" he asked as he picked it up.

Alex inwardly cursed herself for leaving it out on the table. She wanted to warn him about it before he actually saw it. "Brady had his lawyer deliver it to you. You weren't there so she left it with Ross. It's...it's his detailed confession about every crime he's committed. He said...he said it's a birthday present for you."

Bobby dropped the note pad back onto the table as if it had physically harmed him in some way. He turned away from the table and leaned against the counter closing his eyes and tried to regain his composure. _He's dead and he's still here making my life hell. "Happy birthday... son..." Brady's voice taunted. _

"Bobby?" Alex spoke hesitantly. She had no idea what horrible things Brady might have told him about his relationship with his mother. Was he afraid there would be a detailed description in there of her and what he might have done to her?

"Have you read it?" Bobby finally asked after a few moments. Alex could hear the tension in his voice.

"I skimmed through it. I didn't see any reference to...to your mother." Alex watched his reaction carefully. She could see his shoulders relax slightly but he was still wound tight. She felt a desperate need to ask him what Brady had said to him at his last visit but she didn't want to push him.

_I have to tell her..._Taking a deep breath and regaining control of his emotions once more, Bobby turned to face Alex. _No, I can't. Not now...not yet...I need her...I don't want her to see the potential monster I am...the way she looked at Brady when we met with him that first time...everytime she was in his presence...if she looked at me like that it would kill me. _

"So, about that coffee..." he finally said, hoping she wouldn't ask anything else about Brady. _Not yet...I can't tell her now._

Alex looked at him for a moment. _He's not ready to deal with Brady yet. Let him tell you when he's ready, don't push or you'll push him away. _ She smiled at him and started to make the coffee. "I can make some breakfast if you like," she offered.

"No thanks, I...just coffee. Maybe..." he looked at her watching him with concern, a worried smile on her face. _Would she still be smiling if she knew?_ He rubbed his tired eyes and once again fought to control his emotions. "Um, maybe I could buy you some breakfast later," he suggested.

"Okay," Alex replied, still watching him worriedly.

Glancing at the scribblings of Brady sitting on the kitchen table, Bobby felt an overwhelming need to get away from it. "I think I'll take my mom's things down to the basement while the coffee is brewing," he said as he moved out of the room.

After getting the coffee started, Alex went to help him. Bobby was coming back up the basement stairs, having already taken one box down. Wordlessly they took the rest of the boxes and paintings down to the basement.

When they came back upstairs for the last time, Alex headed for the kitchen. "Coffee's ready," she said over her shoulder as she entered the kitchen only to discover Bobby had not followed her. She walked out of the kitchen to see he had gone back to the living room and was seated on her sofa, leaning back and staring at the ceiling.

_There's more there than just his mother's death...what did Brady say to him? _ Alex watched him sit there lost in his thoughts. She quickly got their coffee and headed out to the living room to join him.

Alex sat on the couch next to him after placing the mugs on the coffee table. She said nothing but gently laid her hand on his shoulder.

Bobby couldn't make himself go back into the kitchen where the "birthday gift" from Brady sat on the table, taunting him. He continued to the living room and plopped down on the sofa, leaning back and staring at the ceiling. Alex had to know something was up beyond the fact that his mother had died. _She's going to find out eventually. I can't keep something like this from her forever. _He could hear Alex in the kitchen getting the coffee. _What am I going to do? How do I tell her? How can I expect her to accept me for who I am when I don't even know who I am anymore? _

He felt her presence as she entered the room with the coffee. She sat next to him and gently placed her hand on his shoulder. _Would she be so gentle and caring if she knew who I really am? _Bobby blinked and lifted his head off the back of the sofa to look at her. She sat there looking at him inquisitively. He saw the questions in her eyes and he knew she was probably anxious to know what had happened with Brady.

"I'm sorry...I just can't..." Bobby began.

"It's okay, I understand. You don't have to explain anything to me, Bobby. I know how it is when someone you love dies," Alex said quietly. "Everyone asks you if you're all right and you're not but you feel like you have to tell them you are. I don't want you to feel like you have to be 'all right' around me all the time. I know you're not and you might not be for a while. But you will be and I want to help you get there."

It was all Bobby could do to not break down in tears and confess everything to her. Instead, he pulled her into an embrace. "I'm just so tired...I can hear my mom, Frank, Brady...they're all inside my head and I just...I just want them all to go away...I think...sometimes I think I'm going crazy."

With her head resting on his shoulder, Alex had to fight back her own tears as they just held each other. _Please let me find a way to help him, _she prayed.

_TBC..._


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Dick Wolf owns everything, yada, yada, yada...**_

A/N: Okay, this one is a bit draggy but it had to be done to get to the next chapter so read and review. I'll try and get this wrapped up this weekend. I've got other plot bunnies running around in my head. :-)

The Worth of a Man - Chapter 3

Looking at herself in the mirror one last time, Alex sighed and a feeling of deja vu overcame her. The last time she had done this she was getting ready to visit Bobby's mother at Carmel Ridge. She smiled at herself as she remembered how nervous she had been. If she had known she was going to end up in Bobby's arms at the end of it all she wouldn't have been so apprehensive that day.

Today, however, was a different story. Today was Frances Goren's funeral and Bobby had been brooding and introspective the last couple of days. Alex had helped him with making arrangements and calling people. Ross had been incredibly understanding and had even encouraged Alex take a few days of personal leave to help Bobby before she even asked. He also reassured Bobby once again that he could take all the time he needed.

A knock on the bathroom door brought Alex out of her reverie once more. "Alex, the limo is here." Bobby informed her.

Alex opened the door and stepped out into the hall where Bobby stood waiting for her. Again there was that feeling of deja vu as he looked at her and smiled as he took in her appearance. Her hair was worn up in the same way she had it on the day she met his mother.

"Wow," he said simply, just as he had that day. Only this time he pulled her to him and kissed her.

Bobby had no idea what he had done to deserve Alex in his life but he was grateful for it and hoped he could continue to deserve her support and love. It had been awful the last few days as he wavered between wanting to tell her and finding himself paralyzed with fear when he tried. He couldn't bring himself to tell her his dark secret quite yet. She had been so very understanding through it all and hadn't pushed him to tell her what was going on in his tortured mind. Even when he told her he didn't want to read any of Brady's scribblings and had her take the tablet back to Ross, she looked surprised but said nothing even though he could see the questions in her eyes.

Alex had helped him not only with all the arrangements for the funeral but she had been at his side almost constantly, making sure he ate and even managed to get him to sleep for a few hours. It somehow helped to know she would be there to wake him up if the dreams got too intense. Her presence calmed him and kept the voices that were haunting him at bay. Holding her in his arms while he slept or being held by her made him feel safe and at peace.

"If I keep getting this kind of reaction from you I just might be tempted to wear my hair like this all the time," Alex said as they made their way out to the limousine the funeral parlor had sent for them.

Bobby smiled, "You always make me feel like that. I just manage to keep it under control a little better some times more than others."

It was the first time he had smiled in the last day or so and Alex allowed herself the self-satisfaction of knowing she was the one who put that smile on his face. She had to bite her tongue several times in the last few days and not ask him a flood of questions. He was clearly bothered by more than just his mother's death. Others might not notice this but she knew him too well. He was disappearing inside his head and she didn't quite know how to reach him. She was just grateful that he seemed to take comfort in her physical presence and she hoped he would soon be able to talk to her about whatever it was that seemed to be haunting his thoughts.

The ride to the funeral parlor was mostly silent. Bobby stared out the window, lost in his thoughts. His brother Frank had been unreachable and all Bobby could do was leave messages for him at some service. He didn't even know if Frank was going to show up at the funeral so it was just Bobby and Alex in the limousine. The upside to this was he could hold her hand without feeling self-conscious.

Their fledgling romance had started at the worst possible time. On that visit to his mother at Carmel Ridge it seemed so much more promising. That, however, was before the revelation that he was quite possibly the son of a serial rapist/murderer. Bobby knew Alex wouldn't reject him outright. She would still love him but would there be some doubt about him in the darkest recesses of her mind?

Logic told him that who he was had nothing to do with the fact that Brady might be his biological father. Even the man who he thought was - and still might probably be - his father didn't manage to turn him into a gambling, womanizer who abandoned his family and didn't live up to his responsibilities. But still, the idea that he might be connected to Brady in any way...

"We're here," Alex informed him, bringing him out of his darker thoughts. She squeezed his hand reassuringly.

Taking a deep breath Bobby followed Alex out of the car. The funeral director, a short, stocky man who had a perpetual look of sorrow even when he smiled, approached them, "Mr. Goren, Ms. Eames," he acknowledged. "It's still early but some people have already arrived," he informed them.

Bobby and Alex glanced at each other and their clasped hands, nodded and let go. They had agreed to keep their new personal relationship private for now. With everything else going on they didn't need the scrutiny of others who may disapprove.

The funeral director led them into the building. In the lobby there stood Captain Deakins and his wife Angie and Mike Logan.

"Captain..." Bobby began.

"Not any more, Bobby," Deakins said as he surprised Bobby by giving him a hug instead of just a handshake. "You know you can even call me Jimmy now, if you like."

"Um...that...that would be awkward, sir...uh...I mean..."

Angie Deakins chuckled and gave Bobby a warm hug, "Bobby, you can call him anything you want."

Deakins gave Alex a hug and telling her he wished they could see them some time under happier circumstances. The last time he had seen Bobby and Alex was when Alex was in the hospital after her kidnapping by Jo Gage.

Logan stepped up and shook Bobby's hand, "I hope you don't expect a hug from me."

Bobby smiled, feeling grateful at having the mood lightened a bit, "Dreading yes, expecting no."

Alex watched the exchange and smiled. Despite her initial misgivings about having Mike Logan at Major Case, she had gotten to know him as a good police officer and a stand up guy. Apparently he had matured a bit from that hot headed detective her father and his friends had praised so highly back in the day. It also helped that Mike and Bobby got along quite well. That certainly counted highly in Logan's favor as far as Alex was concerned.

After a little bit of catching up, they all headed into the room where the funeral services would be held. Bobby and Alex sat up front with Deakins, his wife and Logan sitting immediately behind them. Eventually the room filled up many of Bobby's friends and colleagues, staff members from Carmel Ridge and Alex's family as well. There were flowers and cards of condolences from those who couldn't attend. Ross showed up along with the Commissioner, Deputy Commissioner and his wife and other high ranking members of the NYPD, who respected Goren despite their occasional concern over some of his tactics. Ron Carver and his wife also were in attendance along with other members of the DA's office.

It was almost overwhelming for Bobby to see so many people there. He was feeling so humbled by the show of support and affection that he didn't even remember that Frank hadn't shown up.

After the service a smaller contingent of people consisting of the Deakins, Logan, his partner Megan Wheeler, Ross, Bobby's friend Lewis, many of the staff members from Carmel Ridge and most of the detectives from Major Case who didn't have to return to work right away, headed to the cemetery for the burial.

When the ceremony was over at the grave site everyone once again offered their condolences to Bobby and began leaving. Before Ross left, he once again told Bobby he could take as much time as he needed. It was apparent to Bobby that Ross actually seemed genuinely concerned about his well-being. That in and of itself almost brought tears to his eyes.

Left alone by the gravesite, Alex took Bobby's hand in hers once more. He looked at her and smiled sadly. "Thank you," he said as he pulled her into an embrace. Something he found himself doing a lot the past couple of days. "I just don't know if I could have made it this far without you."

"You've got to stop thanking me. It's not like I'm not getting anything out of helping you." Alex slipped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest.

"And what would that be?"

Alex smiled, "I get to be held by you like this."

"You'd get that anyway."

"Oh now you tell me," Alex chided.

They both smiled and after another moment of staring out at nothing in particular, Bobby took Alex's hand and they made their way back to the waiting limo. For the first time in a while, Bobby started to feel a little more at peace. All those people had come out not only because of his mother but because of him. Something about that just served to remind him that he had managed to escape his past. He was not his father - Brady or otherwise. Maybe now he could finally tell Alex about Brady and his mother. Ignoring the knot in his stomach at the thought of uttering Brady's name, Bobby resolved to tell Alex tonight.

_Why does this have to be so difficult? _Bobby looked over at Alex sitting next to him on the ride back to his apartment. _Because she matters more than anyone else. The whole world could hate me but if she believes in me, it doesn't matter. _Bobby closed his eyes and pulled her close to him. Alex snuggled against him and he could feel her smile against his shoulder. _She's told me many times that I make her feel safe...will I still make her feel safe if she knows?_ His rational mind knew that his fears were unwarranted but there was just no escaping the nagging little doubts in his mind.

As she laid her head against his shoulder, Alex could still feel the little bit of tension he still held in himself. _Please let him trust me enough to tell me what's bothering him. I know I can help him if he would just let me. _It was beginning to worry her that he seemed to be keeping something from her. Just what was it that was so horrible he felt he couldn't share it with her? _Don't push him. He will tell me when he's ready. I can't lose him now. _

Alex sighed and closed her eyes, still resting her head on Bobby's shoulder.

"Tired?" Bobby asked.

"Yea, I think maybe I could use a nap," she replied.

Bobby nodded, "It's been a long day." _Good, she can take a nap and I'll cook something for dinner tonight. Then...I'll have to tell her._

_**tbc...**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns everything, I own nothing. **

**The Worth Of A Man - Chapter 4**

By the time Bobby and Alex returned to his apartment it was going on 5 o'clock. Both of them were tired but Bobby was still too wound up to sleep. Alex had changed from her funeral attire into one of Bobby's t-shirts and crawled into bed and managed to fall asleep as her head hit the pillow. The past few days had been stressful for her as well. Knowing part of the stress was due to his inability to confide in her made Bobby feel terribly guilty.

After he finished changing into a t-shirt and jeans, Bobby paused to look at Alex sleeping peacefully in his bed. The late afternoon sunlight filtering in through the blinds made it seem as if she had a halo surrounding her. He sighed and sat in the chair next to the bed to change from his dress shoes into his sneakers. Alexandra Eames, the one person who knew him best. The one who stayed with him and trusted him even when perhaps she shouldn't have.

As he recalled the last confrontation he had with Brady, a chill ran through him as he realized how he had almost cost them both their careers. Alex had told him about her conversation with Ross and he knew if anything went wrong, if he had done anything out of line, the blame would have fallen on her as well as on him.

The guards had reassured him after the incident with Brady that they weren't going to say a word and if Brady made any complaints they would be more than happy to falsely vouch for Bobby, saying he acted in self-defense. There was no love lost for Brady among those who had charge of him in prison. Even then Bobby knew Ross would have known if Brady had made a complaint against him. Even worse Alex would have known. Not that that's what had ultimately stopped him from killing Brady. Brady was wrong, he really did not have it in him to do something like that. But did he have anything else of Brady in him? His temper? His occasional explosive temper if the right buttons got pushed?

With a sigh, Bobby pushed those thoughts from his mind and stood up, went over to the bed where Alex lay sleeping and kissed her gently on her forehead. He had to go out and get some food if he was going to cook dinner for her. Writing a quick note, he left it on the refrigerator in case she woke up before he returned and headed off to the corner market.

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An hour and a half later, Alex woke from a deep, dreamless sleep. It took a few moments for her to remember where she was. She yawned, stretched and smiled as she realized she was in Bobby's bed. A month ago she'd never have thought such a thing to be possible.

Sitting up, she looked around the room and noticed Bobby had changed his clothes. His dress shoes were by the chair next to the bed, his suit had been hung up in the closet. She had hoped Bobby would have taken a nap with her. She knew he hadn't been sleeping well, despite her best efforts.

She got out of bed and as she reached the hall way she could smell something delicious. Her stomach growled at her, reminding her she hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast. She peeked into the kitchen to see Bobby busy preparing dinner.

"Whatever it is, it smells great," Alex said as she entered the kitchen.

Bobby smiled at her, "Chicken Marsala with wild rice and steamed asparagus."There's some wine in the refrigerator if you'd like something while you're waiting."

Alex walked up behind him and slipped her arms around him, resting her head against his back. "I feel like I should be cooking for you," she said. "After all, I'm supposed to be taking care of you."

Bobby turned around and kissed the top of her head. With heels on the top of Alex's head reached his shoulders but in her bare feet, she just barely made it to his chest. "You've done more than enough taking care of me lately. Besides, you hate cooking."

"And I'm not very good at it either," Alex chuckled.

"Well, that's okay because I love to cook and I love cooking for you."

"You truly are the perfect man for me."

_God, I hope so..._Bobby thought as he kissed her once more before turning back around and continued cooking. "You have great timing, dinner will be ready in about ten minutes."

"I'll set the table and then get dressed," Alex said.

"You are dressed," Bobby smiled at her over his shoulder. He liked seeing her in his shirt. He thought it was sexier than any negligee he'd ever seen. _Of course, because it helps reinforce the idea that she's mine...for now at least._

"Just barely," she replied as she grabbed utensils and napkins.

"Yea, but we're home, it's night and it will save us a lot of time when I try to get you undressed later."

Alex laughed, "Well, when you put it that way, it makes a lot more sense." She was glad Bobby seemed to be in better spirits and hoped that soon he would be able to share with her whatever it was that was bothering him. To anyone else it would seem he was acting like his old self. But she knew better. She could see the darkness in his eyes even when he laughed.

Alex poured the wine, Bobby served dinner and throughout the meal both of them enjoyed the feeling of normalcy. They discussed everything from how long he was going to take leave to how funny it was that Deakins wanted them to call him Jimmy. Something neither of them could see themselves doing in the near future.

It was very domestic. After dinner they cleared the table, washed the dishes and put everything away. Bobby finally headed out to the living room with two more glasses of wine. He set them on the coffee table and sat on the sofa, preparing himself to talk to her. Alex followed shortly and plopped herself down on his lap with other ideas.

"So, what were you saying earlier about trying to get me undressed?" she said as she wrapped her arms around his waist and nuzzled his neck.

Bobby was so tempted to let her seduce him so he could avoid having to talk to her but he just didn't want it hanging over him any longer. Using every ounce of will power he had, he pulled her away from his neck and gently caressed her face as he fought to keep his voice from shaking. "Before...before I get to work on getting you undressed, I...um...I need to tell you something."

Having waited for him to tell her what was bothering him ever since that his mother died, Alex felt relief mixed with a bit of apprehension. This must be something pretty bad for Bobby to take this long to tell her about it. She smiled at him and took the hand that was caressing her face, gently kissed his palm then linked her fingers with his, trying to wordlessly reassure him that he could tell her anything.

"That day...when I went to see Brady alone..." Bobby began, gazing at his hand clasped firmly in Alex's. "He told me...he confirmed that he knew my mother."

Alex felt a lump in her throat as she fought back the tears that were threatening to well up at any moment. _Poor Bobby, it must have been so hard to know that his mother was a victim of that monster. _ She wanted to hug him but she knew he still had more to tell her. She could see what she thought was terror in his eyes and hoped she was wrong.

Closing his eyes, Bobby continued, "He said...he was in New York in 1960...a year before I was born."

Alex looked confused, "I thought he was in Germany then...in the Army?"

Bobby nodded, still keeping his eyes closed, "He was here on leave."

"But...your brother said when he came by you were four and he was seven. You weren't even born in..." suddenly Alex felt like there was stone sitting in the pit of her stomach. _A year before he was born? That could mean..._

Opening his eyes to look at her because he had to see her eyes, Bobby continued, "This happened before then. He was on leave and my...my father was apparently away. My mom, she said he was away a lot...and...she never told me about Brady...because...because she was never sure..."

Despite his best efforts, tears began welling up Bobby's eyes. He wiped them away quickly because he had to keep looking at Alex, to see how she was reacting to all this. Her hand was gripping his tightly.

"Brady...he seemed to believe...to think that I...I am his...s-son," Bobby finally said, the tears now streaming down his face.

"Oh, Bobby," Alex released his hand and began wiping the tears away from his face as she gently kissed him and pulled his head to her shoulder, holding him tightly to her. "That's such a horrible thing to be told at the worst possible time..." Alex felt herself cursing Brady in her head. _I hope he's burning in the lowest circle of hell._

Pulling away from Alex, he looked at her through tear filled eyes, "I...I couldn't...I couldn't help myself...I...I just grabbed him and...my hands...I choked him...I...wanted to...to kill him."

Now Alex found herself crying as she her heart ached for Bobby. "You...you choked him?"

Bobby nodded.

"But...no one...the prison guards...they didn't...I mean, if someone had said something, Ross would have certainly let me know. There's no way he wouldn't have...I don't understand..." Alex felt incredibly confused.

"The guards...they didn't try to stop me. Brady said...they wouldn't. I could have...I could have killed him if...and after...when I didn't, they...the guards...said if Brady made a complaint, they said they would vouch for me. Say...it was self defense...but Brady...he...he didn't say anything. He...he wanted me to...to kill him. He wanted control...over his own death." Bobby closed his eyes once more as he recalled Brady's words, "He...Brady...he said...he knew I had it in me...that I was...I was like him...that I..."

"NO!" Alex yelled suddenly. "No, Bobby, you are NOT like him."

Bobby blinked in surprise at the anger in his voice. "But...I..."

"Listen to me," she said, holding him by the shoulders and looking at him directly in the eyes, willing him to not look away from her. "If I were there, I would have tried to strangle him. I probably would have gone further than you did."

Bobby shook his head, "No, no you wouldn't..."

"YES," she said vehemently. "If I had been there and if I heard him say what he did and he hurt you like that...I would have wanted to kill him. Bobby, you are not his son. Even if it turns out that he is your biological father, you have to know that it means NOTHING."

Looking into Alex's eyes, Bobby could detect no signs of doubt. In fact, it seemed she was watching him carefully for signs that he might have doubts about himself. At that moment he knew he would never love anyone as much as he loved this woman.

"And yet again, you've managed to save me," he said as he pulled her into another embrace. The tears in his eyes now were from relief and gratitude that Alex was here and that she loved him and believed in him. He could see no doubt in her eyes. Just concern that he might have believed that Brady being his father would make some difference in his life.

"No, you saved yourself, Bobby. Your whole life. No matter who your father is, you are the only one responsible for the man you've become." Alex pulled back to look at him again. "Despite all the awful things you had to deal with in your life, you hung on to what was good and you survived it all. You're the most decent and caring person I've ever known. Whatever Brady might have thought, he was wrong. You have nothing of him in you. Nothing."

Bobby nodded, "I know that...mostly. It's just I keep...wondering...if maybe some things...like...like my temper and...my...my need to...hit things when...when I'm frustrated...if maybe that isn't..."

"No, it isn't," Alex interupted. "Everyone loses their temper once in a while. And there's a world of difference between hitting a wall or the hood of you car and actually hitting another human being."

"Brady...I physically attacked him, I...I had my hands...around his throat...I..."

"You stopped, you couldn't kill him even if he had goaded you into attacking him. You are not his son. Even if he is your biological father, you are not his son." Alex watched him carefully, hoping she was getting through to him.

Smiling wearily at her, he nodded once again, "I know that logically, you're right. It's just taking a little more time...to actually convince my heart of that."

Placing one hand over his heart and taking his hand in her other hand, Alex smiled back at him, "All you have to do is look at what you've accomplished in your life and how many people you've helped. You've managed to find compassion in yourself even for people most others wouldn't be able to if they tried. Wally Stevens, John Tagman...And if that's not enough, just remember that I love you and I won't stand for anyone to doubt or question that you are a good man...not even if the doubt comes from you."

"And here I was so afraid you'd think...I'm sorry...I just thought..."

"You thought I would hate you because Brady might be your father?" Alex asked incredulously.

Bobby shook his head, "No...not hate me...just...maybe I thought...you'd have some doubt...maybe wonder if...if I might...I might have it in me...to...to hurt you or...that you'd be afraid..."

"No, never, I would never think that," Alex reassured him. "I know you'd cut off your left arm before you ever hurt me, Bobby. I trust you with my life."

Looking into her eyes, Bobby knew there truly was no doubt there. He pulled her to him and kissed her. She trusted him and believed in him with absolutely no doubt. Whatever he might be, whatever he had done, he couldn't be that bad if Alex loved him and trusted him as much as she did.

"So, about your trying to get me undressed," Alex said as she once again returned to nuzzling his neck and nibbling on his earlobe. "I have it on good authority that you won't have to do much 'trying' you know..."

For the first time since those revelations from Brady and his mother's death, Bobby smiled. It was a genuine smile that did reach his eyes. Alex was once again glad that she was the one who had been able to put it there. Her last thoughts as Bobby carried her to bed were that no matter what happened, she would never let him forget how much he was worth, not just to her but to all those people whose lives he had touched. Brady wouldn't win. She would do everything in her power to make sure of that.

**THE END **

That's it. Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. :-)


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